


sometimes dead is better

by Princex_N



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Angst, Attempted Murder, Entry 67, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:06:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23394478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: Alex doesn't think he asks for a lot.Somehow it always seems like too much.
Relationships: Alex Kralie & Brian Thomas
Kudos: 11





	sometimes dead is better

**Author's Note:**

> vaguely related to my fic [do you ever get the feeling that god has a plan?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23298676) but you don't necessarily have to read them both 
> 
> title isn't a lyric but [Destroy Me by Mr. Kitty](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FSVPnVLUUQ) is a good song for this fic

It's too little too late, he knows, but that doesn't change the fact that the first thing Alex feels when he looks up into the barrel of his own gun is relief, profound and smooth. 

He should have killed himself the first time, he knows. There had been no point in staying alive, he should have taken care of things properly and let the rest of the failures continue on in their fool's errand without the threat of his teeth to push them along and all of this would be out of his hands entirely. There had been no real relief in knowing that his plan had been a failure the first time around, something awful and hesitating in him that hadn't been as thorough as he could have been (something strong and incomprehensible making ripples in the water to keep him from seeing clearly). But what would have changed if he had known?

He thinks he would have just let himself die, should have done it that way to begin with, faced the terror of the unknown and find that nothing had really been solved. Would it have been better or worse? To have to sit in the knowing that the people he had loved and tried to save were not saved at all but alive and being twisted with the same inscrutable hands that he himself had been malformed with? Would that be better than the years he had spent halfway between avoidance and the suffocating threat of terror? Would it have made any difference at all?

(It would have made a difference to Amy, but Alex doesn't want to think about that.)

(Even unwillingly, Alex tries not to make the same mistakes twice.) 

It doesn't really matter, they didn't make a difference, but if Alex had been thorough with himself like he should have been then at least he wouldn't be here now, caught in the misery of everything turning out sour and ongoing and Alex wouldn't have to deal with the knowing that it's too late, that he _can't_ anymore because that isn't how things are supposed to play out, his window is closed, his only opportunity missed. Whose standards require this, he doesn't know, but there's just a consistency in the knowing that Alex can't bring himself to question anymore. 

Alex can't kill himself, he knows. That's not the way the story goes, not the way his role can be played. 

But Alex can _be_ killed. 

And right now Brian is holding the gun and there's no one else that Alex trusts to do it _right_ and all he can do is lie there and _pray_ that Brian does it soon before the opportunity is lost. 

(Alex had seen the Decay upload and had known what it meant immediately and there had been no room for fear or anger or regret because all there was instead was _relief_ because Brian, at least, understood and knew what he was doing. Tim talks a big game but Alex doesn't trust him to follow through in the slightest and Jay was never going to play this role because he always was an idiot, but _Brian_ , at least, Alex could trust. There's no intention of fixing things, not a chance of Alex ever admitting the terror and grief and regret because if Brian knows then Brian is kind enough to hesitate and Alex _cannot take that risk.)_

(He's so fucking tired of this role, exhausted out of his mind, there's no anger or concern pulling his strings anymore there's only the cool distance of _knowing_ and Alex doesn't want it anymore, but he doesn't have a choice. There really is only one way out of this nightmare now, and Alex would risk anything to take it. He doesn't know what's waiting for him when the role is fulfilled but he doesn't care anymore, but there's only one way he'll ever be able to stop.) 

Brian's hand is around the gun and the chamber is loaded and the muzzle is aimed at Alex's face and Brian's finger is on the trigger and yet _he is not pulling it._

It's not good enough and _that's not good enough_ and Alex knows what Brian is thinking and he knows what it's like, but _he_ had pushed through it and he needs Brian to do the same _please_ Alex has been dead for years and is just waiting for his body to get the memo and is just waiting for someone to come by and put him out of his misery like the sick dog that he is and he knows that this is the way things need to go before they get any worse _please they need to go this way I don't know what I'm going to do if you don't fucking take care of this now_. 

But there's hesitation in his grip on the gun and his finger is shaking on the trigger and if Alex's hands weren't crushed by the chair he was tied to he thinks he might just lunge forward on his own, force Brian's fingers to pull the trigger even if Alex has to hold his hands there too and get by on the technicality he is that _desperate_ and the hesitation is too brief and too long all at once. 

Static pressure behind his eyes, Brian's head jerking up like a startled deer and Alex doesn't know if he wants to rage or weep, he thinks his eyes ran dry years ago because his body couldn't take the constant threat of tears but that's not good enough and Alex blinks up at the open sky without the weight of the chair holding his body rigid and is so _incensed_ that he can't think straight, he had been so close to freedom he had been so _close_ and there had been no one else that Alex could trust to do the job and Brian had _failed_. 

Brian has been anger and rage for years and Alex wonders whether it was on purpose, whether Alex had let the mask slip let the jig be up let the motive become too clear and Brian had _seen_ , seen relief and desperation and pleading and had neglected to pull the trigger because he'd known just how much it would hurt Alex to keep breathing on his own. 

Maybe he wants Alex to step up and take care of it himself, maybe this is the punishment Brian has deemed fitting for him, but if that's the case then Brian doesn't _understand_ and no one ever has, it's always just been Alex seeing the strings and the connections and pressures and threats but that's never been good enough to give him any chance at working outside of it all but Brian _could have and he did not_ and Alex can feel the twist of its delight pressing at the back of his throat because it knows what he knows - that there is no other way for this to play out, that it had dangled the hope of being euthanized in front of his eyes just to feel Alex's despair at having it yanked away, the renewed possibilities of what Alex might destroy next simply because he _knows_ that there is no other choice but to do what needs to be done (because despite it all Alex still knows that his way is a mercy compared to the havoc that thing can wreak) but he doesn't want to he _doesn't_ but there is no other option because _Brian had failed_. 

Is Brian pleased with himself, Alex wonders as he hauls his aching body to its feet just because there is no other option. Or is he just as angry as Alex is in this moment, both of them damning his sentimental hesitation for fucking things up, but Alex can't exactly judge him for it, can he?

But Alex always has been a hypocrite. 

(There was a reason why Alex hadn't been the one to put Brian down the first time, after all. Sentiment always does seem to run both ways.) 

(Idiots. Both of them.)

(Love never saved anyone, least of all them.) 

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
